Catia, 32, received a Womanizer on her last birthday from her friends. Like the Satisfyer, also very popular, the Womanizer is a new generation sex toy dedicated to the clitoris, whose promise is clear: with it, you enjoy powerfully and quickly. “The sensations are magical, I reach orgasm in a minute or two,” says Catia. The other side of the coin? A feeling of slowness, difficulty in climaxing and more timid, softer orgasms when she makes love with her partner. Result, Catia faces a complex of a new kind, that of being “bad in orgasm when there are two of us”, or, expressed conversely, of being “only good in orgasm with a sextoy”. How can we accept that our orgasms are not the same, from one situation to another? How to overcome the embarrassment of not enjoying “in a big way” with your partner, when you know you are capable of such a feat solo?
Enjoy more easily with a sex toy, a complex of modern times
“To experience very nice orgasms with a sex toy during masturbation and to encounter difficulties in enjoying as a couple is a subject that comes up frequently in consultation”, comments sexologist Diane Deswarte, founder of Club Kamami, who believes that this problem has appeared a few years after the mass marketing of clitoral stimulators. Indeed, in 2014, the first Womanizer landed on the market, and showed us how much a sex toy was capable of apprehending female pleasure. We know that vaginal penetration is not the royal way to reach orgasm; only 28% of women reach orgasm in this way “very easily”*. “The clitoris is the epicenter of female pleasure, and 90% of her nerves are concentrated on her glans,” recalls the sexologist. “Manufacturers of clitoral aspirators have understood this and offer ultra-targeted, repeated and tireless stimulation, thanks to tips of different sizes, which adapt to each clitoris. »
A revolution in the world of masturbation, but also sexual practices for two – a sex toy can also be used by several people! Many women have discovered powerful orgasms thanks to the ingenuity of these sex toys. Only, like Catia, you can get used to particular and new sensations, to the point of judging the return to “real life” bland. The complex then appears: we blame ourselves for thinking it, and we wonder why our body only wins half a curtain when our pleasure companion does not recharge on the mains.
Distinguishing our orgasms to overcome the complex
The Womanizer reflex, or Satisfyer, invites us to flirt with orgasms that don’t take long. We are on a very mechanical pleasure, very well managed. Conversely, with our partner, the meeting weaves smoothly, the excitement rises according to caresses and practices, and the orgasm does not spring suddenly. Sometimes, it can even lack panache, as the stimulations (digital, penile, pubic, etc.) do not deliver the same intensity and regularity. The gap between these two types of orgasms is the origin of the complex. “They are incomparable, and it is because we compare them that we then question our ability to enjoy without a sex toy”, notes the sexologist.
What if we had to stop comparing our orgasms? Let’s measure the chance of owning a Womanizer with formidable efficiency, and let’s measure the chance of making love with a person you love, with “human efficiency”. Who says “human efficiency” says complicity, hazards, surprise, marriage of the moods of the day, the desires of the week, the inspirations of the moment. Together, the report is built, then builds a unique and artisanal orgasm. “Sometimes you don’t feel like cooking and you order sushi quickly, and sometimes you spend two hours cooking with your partner, and you enjoy it. In both cases, it’s good and it’s good, ”reassures the sexologist.
Put the sex toy back in its place
Distinguishing your orgasms and accepting them is what will help us. But to go further, we can revisit our relationship with the sex toy, in particular by using it in a different way each time we take it out of the drawer. “Why not play with low vibrations, stimulate the rest of the vulva or the nipples, change the context, take breaks in the pleasure, or do without it from time to time, to use your fingers? suggests Diane Deswarte. A way to vary the pleasures, but above all to put this notion of pleasure at the heart of our sexuality. Because by dint of drawing our Womanizer in the same conditions, for a quick little blow, we are only concentrating on the fireworks, we have named orgasm. We make orgasm a quest, and therefore an object of comparison.
Changing your relationship to the sex toy also allows you not to become dependent, and therefore habit forming. “Each sensation of pleasure provided by a sex toy, or sexual intercourse, activates our reward system”, observes the sexologist. Ultimately, it is not impossible that our brain requires “always more” to get off: used to its good dose, it demands an additional one, for even more pleasure, hence, perhaps the feeling of experience orgasms that don’t pulsate enough once in a duet.
Learn from your sex toy to develop sexually
In addition, it happens that the complex of “less enjoyment for two” questions the quality of our sexual relations. Indeed, it is not always enough to admit that the couple is not a Womanizer to accept our differences in enjoyment. Sometimes, we feel that our frustrations as a duo reflect a lack of sexual satisfaction. What if we find orgasms less intense, or less easy to achieve, because intercourse does not meet our expectations? What the Womanizer teaches us is simple: the clitoris exists, the clitoris likes to be stimulated! If we experience it this way during masturbation, why share reports that exclude clitoral pleasure? It is a track to dig.
“Clitoral aspirators make you think: by reminding us that penetration isn’t everything, they knock out the vision of penetrating sexuality. This can generate clicks in some couples: what if pleasure was accessible by changing the formula? “Asks the sexologist, who calls on couples to” establish a strategy “. Together, let’s think about pleasure. Together, let’s look at the Womanizer and decide to use it not as a sex toy, but as a lever for our sexual fulfillment: what can it teach us about our sexual preferences? How much energy can we invest? What vibes?
*“Les Françaises et l’orgasme”, Ifop survey for CAM4 – December 2014