Hello, Julia? “I wonder if the relationship with my lover is toxic” – She

“Matteo is anything but a possible guy, for me.

And not at all the lover I need. He’s a little too young (34 years old), a little too gambler, pierced pockets, nice words, he makes a big deal of everything and anything and in fact, he reminds me of my entire Italian family . I love them, huh… But me, I need calm. And to have your feet a little better planted in the ground. Except Matteo is also the best lover I’ve ever had. Really.

For four years, we see each other from time to time, when he comes to France, for work. It lasts what it lasts, depending on the desire or the time we have. And, since I don’t have much time, that, for once, is exactly what I need. I don’t ask anything more from him, he doesn’t expect anything from me in particular. And we spend real good times, free, and light. It is perhaps that, moreover, which makes sex so pleasant between us… What has always surprised me is how I have always let myself go with him. I always had this kind of total trust, which he never betrayed, which made me say “yes” to him each time he offered me something new. And each time, I loved it.

So… Why am I writing to you, if all is well? Because he slapped me. And that I liked. He had been with me for two days, he was leaving the next day, we spent 48 hours doing pretty much what you imagine – and eating, and sleeping, and laughing. The last evening, it must be 4am, we are exhausted with fatigue, but with this fatigue of the body which took a lot, a lot of pleasure, you see? Matteo wants me again… I want him again… We start making love again and then, bam. A slap. Small, but still a slap. He plants his straight eyes in mine, in fact, he scrutinizes me. He waits for a reaction. Me, I’m a little flabbergasted. And then I straighten up, I tell him that it’s not okay, that we don’t slap each other, that we don’t hurt each other… And there, he has this adorable smile, he asks me for forgiveness, promises me that he won’t do it again, tells me he just wanted to try something, and I believe him. Moreover, the rest is much more tender between us. So I relax, but so much, that I ask him to slap me again. Him: “Are you sure? ” I do “. It’s that one, slap, that I loved.

Electric shock, shivers throughout the body, just writing it to you still does something to me… But that’s not normal. Well, not for me: I hate any form of violence, and I can even less imagine it when two people make love. I know some like it, but me, it’s not my thing at all. And then we hear so many things these days about these girls who, for years, tell each other that their boyfriend is brilliant, when in fact he makes them accept anything and everything, and this moment when they wake up, and where they really look at what they’ve been through… If that’s it, Matteo and me? If I had, in fact, opened the door to a hyper toxic relationship? Let’s say at least: downright unhealthy… This freaks me out. He’s coming back next week, he’s written to me, and I’m very tempted to see him again, but I’m freaking out. And in fact, I would like to see more clearly about what happened that night, before saying yes or no. THANKS. -Lena, 41 years old.

“You’re welcome, Lena, that’s what I’m here for.

And to remind you, for example, that the girls you mention rarely write letters from the heart as long as they are under the influence. That what poses a problem, in what they live, is that they don’t want it and have never felt the slightest pleasure in it. When we talk about domestic violence (since that is what you are talking about), we are on criminal ground: that of misdemeanor, that of crime, and therefore of (non) consent, at the heart of any legal procedure. She didn’t want to, he did anyway. He denied it, he forced it. Between Matteo and you, it’s exactly the opposite that happened: he tried, you refused, he stopped. Logically. In all serenity. A healthy relationship, that’s it: a dialogue, two, an exchange, free and agreed. No matter what words we use or what language we speak. I propose, you dispose, you refuse? It does not matter, we try something else.

And this “something else” between two consenting adults can take you absolutely anywhere: who cares! Morality should never, ever, ever meddle with desire or pleasure – usually when it does, it’s to forbid them. For millennia, we have been overwhelmed by a sum of prohibitions, injunctions, rules and patterns. Since the dawn of time, we have been trying to get rid of it. But the fight is titanic… And the desire to be “normal”, to compare oneself to others, to get into the nails, always ends up coming back to weigh down our libido. It’s crazy, because if there’s one thing that sexuality shouldn’t be, it’s “normed”. Let’s normalize the breakfast time, let’s normalize the speed on the highway, but please, please, leave us alone! I don’t fuck like my neighbor. Nor how I will fuck tomorrow.

Yesterday the slap wasn’t your thing. Today, (very) visibly, it is. Because it’s Mateo, because it’s you two, free and light, and because it’s you, today. The one who wants neither commitment, nor opening a joint account, nor labrador. With your delicious lover, you are completely confident, so yes, you can explore. Browse, try, taste a whole lot of pleasure that you had not even imagined. So what ? What’s wrong? Who are you hurting? Apart from a certain idea, probably wiser, and more timid, that you had of yourself… So much the better: desire, in essence, upsets you. And because we are jostled, the body vibrates, shivers, lives. You are alive. Sexuality is a living matter. Mateo is very, very alive – lucky girl – and attentive enough to help you open that door within you that you didn’t even know existed.

You know what ? No matter how hard I look, I find it hard to find a more exciting perspective. So keep that door wide open, Lena. Cross the threshold, look at what was hidden – and don’t forget: you absolutely have the right to close it at any time. When you want, how you want. »

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